Making a list of Good Omens quotes was unsurprisingly hard. It’s one of my all-time favorites. Thus, if I could, I’d just copy-paste the entire thing and wait gleefully for all of you to read it.
Unfortunately, I can’t do that. So, I did the next best thing — I picked some of my favorite quotes for your enjoyment.
If you’ve never read Good Omens or seen the show, you’re in for a wild ride that will surely have you diving for one or both. Pratchett and Gaiman have incredible chemistry, and their writing styles blend seamlessly.
It was Gaiman’s mind that birthed the original idea for Good Omens. He wrote the first five thousand words that featured an ineffectual demon Crawleigh. Sounds familiar? He sent his work to some of his friends, and about a year after he did, Pratchett rang him to tell him he knows what happens next. He offered to Gaiman to either buy the work or for the two of them to write it together.
In Gaiman’s words, he opted for the latter, “because I was not stupid, and because that was the nearest I was ever going to get to Michaelangelo phoning to ask if I wanted to paint a ceiling with him.”
And thus, Good Omens was born.
24 Hilarious Good Omens Quotes That Will Make Adore Pratchett and Gaiman
Good Omens Quotes About Life, Death, and Religion
#1. “Don’t think of it as dying. Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.” — Death
#2. “God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e., everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.” — Narrator
#3. “Voodoo is a very interesting religion for the whole family, even those members of it who are dead.” — Narrator
#4. “It was then that Marvin got religion. Not the quiet, personal kind that involves doing good deeds and living a better life; not even the kind that involves putting on a suit and ringing’ people’s doorbells; but the kind that involves having your own TV network and getting people to send you money.” — Narrator
#5. “Anyway, if you stop tellin’ people it’s all sorted out after they’re dead, they might try sorting it all out while they’re alive.” — Adam
Funniest Good Omens Quotes That Will Leave You In Stitches
#6. “An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards.” — Narrator
#7. “She was beautiful, but she was beautiful in the way a forest fire was beautiful: something to be admired from a distance, not up close.” — Narrator
#8. “You’re Hell’s Angels, then? What chapter are you from? REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.” — Death
#9. “All tapes left in a car for more than about a fortnight metamorphose into Best of Queen albums.” — Narrator
#10. “Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.” — Narrator
#11. “It wasn’t a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but that’s the weather for you. For every mad scientist who’s had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is finished and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who’ve sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime.” — Narrator
#12. “This isn’t how I imagined it, chaps,” said War. “I haven’t been waiting for thousands of years just to fiddle around with bits of wire. It’s not what you’d call dramatic. Albrecht Duerer didn’t waste his time doing woodcuts of the Four Button-Pressers of the Apocalypse, I do know that.” — War, the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse
#13. “Pollution removed his helmet and shook out his long white hair. He had taken over when Pestilence, muttering about penicillin, had retired in 1936.” — Narrator
Good Omens Quotes That Highlight the Friendship Between Aziraphale and Crowley
#14. “Aziraphale: You can’t kill me. There’ll be paperwork.”
#15. “Aziraphale: It’s all worked out for the best, though. Just imagine how awful it might have been if we’d been at all competent.
Crowley: Point taken.”
#16. “Aziraphale: I’m not consulted on policy decisions, Crawly.
Crowley: Oh, I’ve changed it.
Aziraphale: Changed what?
Crowley: My name. “Crawl-y” just wasn’t really doing it for me. It’s a bit too… squirming-at-your-feet-ish.
Aziraphale: Well, you were a snake. So, what is it now? Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?
#17. “Aziraphale: Watch out for that pedestrian!
Crowley: She’s on the street. She knows the risk she’s taking.
Aziraphale: Just watch the… Watch the road! Crowley, you can’t do 90 miles per hour in Central London.
Crowley: Why not?
Aziraphale: You’ll get us killed. Well, inconveniently discorporated.”
#18. “Aziraphale: We are here to lick some serious butt!
Crowley: Kick, Aziraphale, it’s kick butt! For heaven’s sake.”
#19. “We’ll win, of course,” he said.
“You don’t want that,” said the demon.
“Why not pray?”
“Listen,” said Crowley desperately, “how many musicians do you think your side have got, eh? First grade, I mean.”
Aziraphale looked taken aback.
“Well, I should think-” he began.
“Two,” said Crowley. “Elgar and Liszt. That’s all. We’ve got the rest. Beethoven, Brahms, all the Bachs, Mozart, the lot. Can you imagine eternity with Elgar?”
#20. “Aziraphale: I’d just like to say, if we don’t get out of this, that…I’ll have known, deep down inside, that there was a spark of goodness in you.
Crowley: That’s right. Make my day.
Aziraphale: Nice knowing you.
Crowley: Here’s to the next time. And…Aziraphale?
Crowley: Just remember I’ll have known that, deep down inside, you were just enough of a bastard to be worth liking.”
Good Omens Quotes About Humankind
#21. “It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.” — Narrator
#22. “Hell wasn’t a major reservoir of evil, any more than Heaven, in Crowley’s opinion, was a fountain of goodness; they were just sides in the great cosmic chess game. Where you found the real McCoy, the real grace and the real heart-stopping evil, was right inside the human mind.” — Narrator
#23. “Sometimes, human beings are very much like bees. Bees are fiercely protective of their hive, provided you are outside it. Once you’re in, the workers sort of assume that it must have been cleared by management and take no notice; various freeloading insects have evolved a mellifluous existence because of this very fact. Humans act the same way.” — Narrator
#24. “And just when you’d think they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. Often the same individual was involved. It was this free-will thing, of course. It was a bugger.” — Narrator
Both Gaiman and the late sir Terry Pratchett testified many times how much fun they had writing Good Omens. When you read their masterpiece, that will be even clearer. Hopefully, these Good Omens quotes will inspire you to do just that. You’ll thank me later!
Image source: Good Omens photo from thetimes.co.uk